The Fear Is Real

I know, I know. I said nothing about fears in my blog advertisement, but this is important, promise.

Fear has kept me from a lot of things, especially from sharing my stories with others. I’m an aspiring author who doesn’t let people read anything she writes. How does that even work?

I’ve always been like this, too. In junior high and high school, I had a particular way of writing that would shield my notebooks from any wandering eyes. It was ridiculous, but I didn’t break the habit until I started typing my stories instead of hand-writing them. Okay, I’m not sure that actually counts as breaking the habit but… details.

Lately, I’ve had to ask myself, “what am I so afraid of?” Am I afraid of rejection? Probably a little, but who isn’t. Rejection isn’t my biggest worry; no, it’s actually pretty low on my list. Am I afraid I’ll fail at being an author? Mm. That’s always a thought that’s on my mind, though at the same time, I know there are different venues of publishing that can be explored. Failure will really only be what I make it, so I guess we can put that at the bottom as well.

What is it then? What has such a terrifyingly strong hold on me that in eight years less than ten people have read anything of mine that actually means something to me?

It took being extremely honest with myself to come to my answer, and once I did, I realized that I’d known the answer all along.

Before I give you a direct answer (direct answers are no fun!), let me tell you a little about who I have been.

I’ve been a singer my entire life. The first time I performed on stage, I was five years old. I’ve done competitions, concerts, the National Anthem for special events, weddings, funerals… the list could probably go on. Singing is easy for me. People are used to seeing me on stage and I’m used to being on stage; it’s a part of my life, but it’s only one part. Music is the part of my life people see.

Writing has always been the part they don’t see.

My writing is a part of me that not many people know. Everyone thought I would go to school for music. I thought I would go to school for music. There had to come a point when I acknowledged that while I love music, it is only something that I enjoy. Music is not my passion.

Writing is my passion.

Remember that direct answer I denied you earlier? It’s time for that now.

I’ve been terrified of letting people get to know me. And honestly, it’s not the strangers I’m worried about. It’s not the people of the world who will either love my writing or hate it and nothing in between. It’s the people who know me that I’m afraid of letting in, my family and my friends. They’re the ones who have always known that other side of me, and I’m afraid of introducing them to me as a writer.

But it’s time to forget about all that. This is who I am. There’s nothing for me to be afraid of; there never has been.

So, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Adryanna, and writing is my passion.

One fear down… bugs to go!


 

Next time on blogging in Eszailha… relevant things!

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